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I am sad.

It is a strange sadness. It moves like liquid, seeking room in crevices within me, filling them.

I don’t understand this sadness.

When I try to make sense of it, I see a black, swirling cloud. Sometimes it is smoky, the haziness compounds it mystery.

It’s thick and heavy. I try to push it, wade through it, brush it away, but it resists, and my efforts are futile.

Where does it come from? Why is it here? What does it want with me?

I do not know how to respond to this sadness.

I feel guilty. Ashamed. Worried. Unsettled.

I am not a sad person. I am one who is contented with her surroundings. I am optimistic. I am peaceful.

So why has this Stranger of Sadness come into my life?

I do not know.

But the discrepancy kills me.

I do not want to be sad.

What shall I do?

I know not.

amezce.etah.i

My dog is itchy.

And it's killing me.

One of my biggest concerns about possibly becoming a mother (in the distant future) is that I'll pass eczema on to my kids/grandkids. Sure, they don't know heckuvalot about eczema, but there are many clear signs that say it is hereditary.

My dog is itchy and scratchy and it breaks my heart to see her go through this.

What more with my own child?

Shortdog's itchy phase will soon pass when the bout of bacterial infection is treated, but eczema doesn't just.pass.

It stays.And haunts you.And dictates so much of what you do and feel.

It's a constant battle of will.spirit.esteem. to live with it.

It's not an inconvenient rash.

So, i'm sorry if i'm a little pissy today.

The Tactful Malaysian

Lady: "Oh my Gawd, what happend to yer faace?!" *screwed up expression, unpleasant voice*

Me: "It's eczema." *blankly*

Lady: "Oh my Gawd, it's all oveer yer haands too!" *more wide-eyed exclamation*

Me: "Uh uh.". *bored*

That was a bit of a conversation between me and a lady yesterday. Malaysians are full of this. I say Malaysians, as a somewhat over-generalization, because in the 1 1/4 years that I was away from Malaysia, not once did I have someone come up to me and say things like that.

During the 21 years in Malaysia, however, I've experienced this countless times. If it's not shock and horror over my skin (sometimes later masked with sympathy & yet another "magical remedy suggestion"), it's "Wah, you've become so fat" or "Aiyo, why are you so big?".

True story, my friend.

idiots.

I'm sick and tired of fucking lazy people.

Give me shoddy work & expect me to make sense of it?

Do your own work, a-hole!

Blagh.

Elated.Energized.Encouraged

My dear, fellow Malaysians,

How very proud I am of you. You've demonstrated great growth and maturity in thought and emotions. You've put human rights activists, bloggers, a brave (accidental) cameraman, an ISA-detainee (and former ISA-detainees), a respected economist, and people of tremendous integrity into our government. It took a helluva lot of chutzpah to do what you did; be proud of yourselves.

It took chutzpah because the change we saw required a tremendous ability to imagine, to hope quietly and to allow, even for a fleeting moment, to believe that dreams could be made possible. It took chutzpah because we had to first resist the instinctive calls of apathy that many Malaysians make, and the disbelief we often react with when suggested that change is possible.

Twenty-five hours before the election results were due to be announced, I said that winning or losing in this election will not dictate whether or not the process of revolution will continue. Although our wins far surpassed what most of us dared to hope for, this remains true. We've only taken the first step - yes, it is a significant one, but in the grand scale of things that must be done, it is only a small step.

At about 3 a.m on March 9th, after having to wait hours for SPR to get it's act together and to officially announce what we already knew (that Sivarasa K. Rasiah had won the Subang Parliament seat), Mr. (YB) Sivarasa, in his short speech of thanks to his supporters, said we need to get to work right away. Despite running on barely any sleep for the past 2 weeks, work was the first thing on his mind. Rightly so.

R.Nadeswaran quoted the former Bar Council president, Yeo Yang Poh in his column today: "They must never forget, not even in their sleep, that their much-improved victory is not their victory, but the victory of the people. Thus, they must serve the people with humility and dedication. They should be proud, not of their success, but of the people who have enabled them to succeed".

Humility & dedication; Integrity & courage; Honour & transparency - perhaps we are not used to associating these words with politicians, but we damn well have the right to demand that our elected representatives uphold these principles.

These next 5 years are not going to be easy, at all. Coordinating the leadership between PAS/PKR/DAP will have it's challenges. Dealing with the b.s that will be thrown our way by BN will be frustrating. Working around an unfair system will make our blood boil. We have promised the people alot, and while we can't achieve everything (as we don't control the Federal Government), we can certainly do everything that's within our power, and push for what's not within our power.

But, these past 2 weeks were not easy either, far from it! We had one obstacle after another to fight with: no access to the mainstream media, an EC that was all out to deny the Opposition a fair election, phantoms and the resurrected voting against us, threats by the BN leaders that there will be chaos & instability, our posters and banners ripped down, seriously questionable postal votes...to name a few. Despite all of this, we pulled together as a team, we refused to be defined along racial lines, we got our heads out of rear ends and put our egos aside. We were persistent. We were creative. When we saw another falter, we helped them up. We denied BN a 2/3 majority. We won an unbelievable FIVE States. We achieved what didn't even appear in the consciousness of possibilities for many.

Imagine what would have happened if the elections were really fair & free?

Yes, it is incredibly frustrating that we can't go out and celebrate in all glory, but it is also sobering because the time for work is now. It is not just our new leaders that have to work; it takes the collective effort of an entire nation to uphold democracy. We too must work, and work hard. We need to change our mindset of allowing our leaders to do as they please. We cannot wait 50 years to express dissatisfaction. We cannot wait another 5 years to throw out our PKR/DAP/PAS leaders if they do not perform. If we don't like what they are doing, tell them now, so that change can happen. They have not come into power so that they can revel in the glamor of YB-hood. They came into power because they promised to work for us. Let's ensure that.

My dear Malaysians, the time has come for us to allow ourselves to imagine, to work hard, to be persistent in the fight for justice & democracy. We cannot mudah lupa. On March 9th at about 1 am, standing outside the MPPJ building, a man said this to his young son, "You may not realize now how long it took for us to get to this point. We have worked hard for 50 years, now you have to ensure that our work is not wasted". Nearby, a little girl (about the age of 4), was twirling a giant Keadilan flag. As she dragged it in lazy, content circles, she quietly sang to herself "merdeka....merdeka...merdeka".

We have fought the good fight, and must continue to do so. As Paulo Coelho states in The Alchemist, "It is important never to relax, however far you have come" (1988).

Stretch, eat a hearty meal, get some sleep, have a good laugh, drink lots of water. It's back to the grind (but what a more joyous time it shall be!).

Elated.Energized.Encouraged;

; ) katrina
---

"Enthusiasm is the force that leads us to the final victory"
~ The Pilgrimage

The first step.

I...don't know what to feel.

Elation.
Relief.
Disbelief.
Joy.
Worry.
Nervousness.
Excitement.
Anxiousness.
Peace.
Hope.
Gratefulness.

Those are just some of the options. On the whole though, I feel muted.

Perhaps this will illustrate better how I feel;

As we waited outside the MPPJ building for the official announcement of Uncle Siva's win, a little girl, about the age of 4, was twirling around a giant Keadilan flag. As she dragged the flag around in slow, lazy, content circles, she quietly sang to herself 'Merdeka....merdeka..merdeka'.

Yup, that's about right.


ps: Malaysians, I'm SO PROUD OF YOU!